I wasn't ready to forgive.

I do think forgiveness is a process. Or maybe it depends on the weight. Or maybe people doesn't really forgive.

I don't even know where to start, but latter part of 2014 til the whole year of 2015 was the shittest, darkest moments of my life. It's like I've handed my whole trust to someone, and then it all went to nothing. The lies were brain-and-heart wrecking. Then comes the thoughts of not being enough, of being unimportant, the list goes on and on. I would usually find myself crying in the middle of the night, sobbing so hard that I would wake my daughter up from her sleep. It became so traumatic to her that for almost 2 months, every afternoon, she would ask me "please do not scare me again by crying tonight". I resorted to taking her to my parents because I was a mess to look at. The beach is the only place where I can whisper my frustrations out to the sea.

Pain changed me.

Those whole months without anyone by my side who truly understands the weight of what happened made me realise that indeed, every man is for himself. I never had a choice. It wasn't my choice that he decided to be with someone else while still promising me that he'll come back, that we'll be together, that somehow it will all work out. It was never my choice to ignore messages from a person 7,000 miles away and go out and meet someone, party with them, "Netflix and Chill", or sleep with them. I was never my choice to put someone in my arms while someone else is patiently waiting for me.

What comes after those moments were more damaging. I received threats of a scandalous video to be "sent" to my mom and my friends, "fuck off you psychotic bitch", "you're not worth it", "you live in the middle of nowhere with a toilet that doesn't flush", "you're not a good mom", "I hope your family will die in the typhoon" ...

Words are real. It can bring life or death to a person. It brought death to my dreams. It brought death to my hopes. It brought death to those imaginations of waking up each morning and cooking breakfast to the two most important people in my life. It brought death to having a family vacation full of laughter and love. It brought death to me having a person who would catch me when I'm down. It was the most devastating moments of my life. I've never met anyone with so much angst that it overwhelmed to the person who actually cares and loves him so dearly.

To You

If ever the universe will allow for you to read this, I want you to know that what I felt for you is real. I still believe in you. You were amazing with Shen that it made her think that you were her real daddy. Everyday, right before bedtime, she would say her prayers and will ask God to bless you and take care of you. I believe that God hears Shen's prayers because look at you now! You are getting all the desires of your heart and I am truly happy for you!

Sorry for not being ready to forgive you just yet. It takes time to comprehend the things you did. It damaged me so much. I am damaged good at the moment and I know you get so mad at me for mentioning it all the time. I just hope you understand how I feel. How it hurts. How the pain is still clinging on no matter what I do. I have seen how lots of people loves and adores you now, i can see how small I am to you, but maybe, if they all turned away for some reason, you'll find your way back to the little me and find time to talk about how your life is.

I'm not angry at you. I'm angry with all the lies and nasty words you've thrown at me when I didn't know what to do. I hope they all never happened.